Love cures all

The double edged sword of relationships

Welcome new subscribers and thanks to those who shared my work!

In recent posts i’ve been discussing my 5 pillars of a healthy lifestyle; this final pillar, relationships, may have the biggest impact of all.

I’m not just talking about who you’re dating…. taking a broad brush, ‘relationships’ covers everything from your neighbour to the bedside pot plant, as well as to your career, food and hobbies.

These all impact your wellbeing, although some considerably more than others - take my laptop love affair as an example.

This weekend was my 2nd wedding anniversary, which hardly gives me authority to spout relationship advice. Nevertheless, I’ve felt the full force of love this week; a feeling so strong I had tears flowing down my cheeks at times.

The very next minute i’m biting my tongue with frustration as Tom’s being totally unreasonable, which we’ll put down to caffeine withdrawal on his new diet.

Whether it’s friends, romance, familial bonds or inanimate objects, you know it - relationships have their highs and lows.

Perhaps you’ve even wondered if you could do without them?

Wouldn’t the world be peaceful? Without your kids ignoring you, your husband criticising your packing (am I still holding onto that?), your co-worker talking too loudly, the friend who’s late yet again….

It would just be you and the flowers, sun shining brightly.

That’s not even touching on relational trauma from bullying, divorce, domestic abuse and the impossible-to-imagine pain of losing a child.

The double edge sword of attachment

When I say I love my laptop, what i’m really saying is that i’m attached to it.

It’s so deeply wired into our physiology that even enlightened masters have relational attachments, most people have several thousand of them.

As humanity evolved, those in communities had better survival and reproductive success. That’s why we’re programmed to attach.

This can either be the creation or downfall of our health.

Aside from major illness, the most stressful events we face in life all tend to involve other people¹. Excess stress = dis-ease.

Relationships play a major role in giving us meaning, identity and stability, which all promote wellbeing. That’s also why losing them can lead to loss of wellbeing, and catastrophic effects for our nervous systems.

Being ostracised from a group can be as painful as a cracked rib, since historically it would have been a greater threat. The pain drives us to reconnect, share resources, reproduce, grow and thrive together.

We are born for cooperation, like feet, hands and eyes, like the two rows of the upper and lower teeth. To act against each other is therefore contrary to nature - Marcus Aurelius

Even the ‘love hormone’, oxytocin, with it’s stress-relieving and anti-ageing effects², has a dark side. Research shows that whilst it enhances group connectivity and compassion, it’s associated with increased hostility to ‘outsiders’³.

I just got off a video call with a friend who looked delightful glowy and euphoric. She was clearly giddy with oxytocin, flushed with serotonin, and surfing the waves of an energised dopamine high. This was someone at the height of attachment.

We were 2 minutes in when she said, “would you like to meet my new partner Mark?”

If you think this could be you too, keep in mind you are under the influence. These chemicals have powerful dominion on thoughts and behaviour; maybe it’s not the best time for big decisions, such as marriage or moving countries.

However high the high, sooner or later reality starts to dawn. Adorable habits start to grate on you, the flame dwindles, perhaps there’s distrust, rejection or a loss of shared interests. If despite all that, you’re committed, you respect them and enjoy their company, it’s time to put a bit of thought into maintaining harmony.

Whilst the benefits for your wellbeing are obvious, it may also improve your health.

Research studies show negative conflict, such as criticism and hostility, can lead to physiological shifts that can increase disease risk⁴. This includes increased inflammatory markers, delayed wound healing⁵ and imbalances of bodily systems, such as immunity and hormones⁶.

Across these studies, negative and hostile behaviours during marital conflict discussions are related to elevations in cardiovascular activity, alterations in hormones related to stress, and dysregulation of immune function - Robles & Kiecolt-Glaser, 2003.

The studies are mostly in married couples, but similar effects are seen in conflict with colleagues, wider family, friends and neighbours.

As conflict is pretty much unavoidable, it’s a good job we’re resilient creatures.

There’s always the potential for conflict to be positive, whereby both people leave with an enhanced understanding and agreed resolution.

How you stand to benefit

Overall, feeling connected to others is associated with considerably better health outcomes⁷,⁸. The combined results of 148 studies found ‘a 50% increased likelihood of survival for participants with stronger social relationships’⁹.

Here’s a few reasons why:

1) Physiological shifts

Just as isolation leads to inflammation and immune imbalance, connections with others has the opposite effect. Whilst many people live happy, healthy lives without romantic partners, a friendless life is a lot harder.

Nourish friendships which help you to feel safe and seen:

• Prioritise people that make you feel supported, accepted for who you are*, where there’s a foundation of mutual trust and respect

• Get in touch with someone that makes you smile, whether that’s a quick call or voice-note, or arrange a time to meet

• Brush up on your non-violent communication skills

• Set healthy personal boundaries

• If you’re looking to make new friends: embrace your vulnerability and be intentional about it. Perhaps join a group activity, such as an underwater hockey club, or volunteering, which particularly enhances mental wellbeing¹⁰.

  

  *To know that at least one other person accepts us totally for who we are, “warts 'n' all” - Human Givens Institute

2) Emotional health

For a while I studied psychotherapy with the Human Givens Institute in London; this is based on an understanding of our human needs, driven from innate, hard-wired survival templates. When we aren’t able to meet those needs, physical or mental distress results.

I like this approach to emotional health because it’s behaviour-focused; by that I mean, identify your problem and then take action.

No surprise, half of these human needs are relational:

• Emotional intimacy with at least on other person

• Giving and receiving attention

• Feeling part of a wider community

• A sense of status within social groupings

• Meaning and purpose, which often relates to serving others

The status one is interesting; loss of status- such as a job- is a common cause of male depression. We often think of status as meaning ‘top of a hierarchy’, but really it means having something that people come to you for or that you’re known for.

Do you have these boxes ticked?

If not, it can be helpful to work with a coach or therapist to start making supported steps towards getting your needs met.

You can book an appointment if you’d like my support with this.

3) Social influence

If your friends take care of their health, it’s more likely you will too. Reason for this include social norms, concerns for others, enforcement, support and encouragement.

Take this study¹¹ as an example, showing that if someone in your network stops smoking, you’re more likely to do the same, whether that’s your spouse, sibling, friend or colleague.

Religious community can be a strong influence in this regard. A group from the Seventh-day Adventist Church in California were found to have some of the greatest lifespans of the world, likely due to their commitment to nutrition, movement (and rest), abstinence from intoxicants and shared causes.

Who you choose to spend your time with matters, and you do have a choice.

You can have all of your emotional needs met by a highly destructive friendship group; if stepping away from them means your needs won’t be met, it’s going to be a difficult move to make. Designing a strategy of how to meet your needs in other ways can help.

For those who still prefer the company of flowers

The pandemic showed us there can be times when we’re at risk of becoming isolated.

Here’s my thoughts on how to mitigate the impact of that:

• Owning a pet leads to better outcomes in those with heart disease and may increase oxytocin levels¹². Pet sales soared during the pandemic and this is thought to relate to the desire for companionship¹³.

• Laughter and hugs are powerful medicines and can be done alone, promoting a healthier physiology¹⁴. Add some aromatherapy oils and calming music for an even greater oxytocin-boost.

• Embrace the JOMO (joy of missing out); give yourself that time for peace, stillness and the simple things in life. Use it as an opportunity to nurture your friendship with yourself.

• Visualisation or meditation works similarly, as the body can’t tell the difference between real and imagined. Loving-kindess meditation would be a great choice, as it’s associated with markers of enhanced longevity and positive emotions¹⁵

  “Being known and seen and loved is the best medicine” - Mark Hyman, in Forever Young

My two pennies on maintaining marital harmony

When I married Tom, I ceremoniously received ‘the batton’.

This is handed down the line of women marrying Meyler men as a representation of their resilience in the face of the “Meyler Moods”.

The way i’ve come to strengthen my love through these tumultuous occasions is with a gentle, compassionate humour.

Tom and I have given names to quite a few of our multiple ‘characters’, capturing the traits that frustrate us most. Such as ‘the meanie beanie’, ‘negative nellie’ and the dreaded ‘critical crab’. My brain has created mental images for these too.

A representation of the “meanie beanie” on the left, can you see the resemblance?

In this way, we mange to create humour in times of increased stress, lightening the load, as well as gently brining awareness to the undesired behaviour.

When I reflect on these characters and why they’ve appeared, I find it much easier to find an overwhelming compassion for them. I mean, look how cute that little guy is! He just wants to be loved.

Needless to say, over the years i’m having less and less need for my batton!

Not exactly grade-A evidence, but I’m totally convinced of it —

Love cures all.

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